thirteen// some late and tired thoughts

It's so late that my brain hurts and I keep convincing myself, in a dumb mind fog, to do stupid things like read blogs for hours instead of going to sleep. Tonight I'm a little bit sad and all I want is some wine and to not have to go to work in the morning.



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How do you stop being sad?

I should know but I don't, still. Lately it passes through me with sleep or distraction or tasks. But not so long ago it was a constant gnawing ache in my chest that I could try to ignore but it would just keep festering. Sometimes I miss it.

And now it's gone, inexplicably and without effort. It just passed, slowly I think, maybe little bits at a time dissipated. And I realized that the festering has been replaced by a light sort of clarity that I've never felt before. I'm so grateful and it doesn't seem fair that I should be light and un-prevailed upon while others are still being chewed up by that perpetual ache. I can't even offer any help because I don't know how it changed, and beside that, the rest of the world probably resents me for my happiness. I just want to swallow down all the pain of everyone that I love. And I can't, so instead I end up silent or laughing, doing no good at all.